Through my experience as a poor arts student who has a habit of hanging around gala events and gallery launches that offer finger food as a means of feeding myself, I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of people in the arts industry who are to be calculatedly avoided; 'The Narcissist' & 'The Verbal CV'.
The narcissist and the verbal CV pop up everywhere, but are unashamedly common at functions that feature canapés, black tie attire or the word ‘corporate’.
We’ve all been stuck in the credulous flytrap that is a conversation with ‘The Verbal CV’. One minute you’re conversing with what appears to be an ambitious and likeminded colleague. You’re thinking to yourself “hey, this guy is alright” then boom! Completely out of left field they launch into a non sequitur and totally unsolicited listing of their previous professional conquests.
Their (usually beady) eyes are searching your face, holding out for that faint glimpse of recognition. Unrelenting, The Verbal CV will not stop until it has beaten its prey into submission with its abnormally swollen ego.
Meanwhile you’re frozen to the spot in your best dress shoes, nodding in vague acknowledgment of their presence and the fact that they’re still talking. Ultimately you’re left contemplating if choking on the petit four in your hand or perhaps glassing yourself with the champagne in the other would be preferable to seeing this conversation through to its logical conclusion.
Of course, then there is ‘The Narcissist’. Choosing between a conversation with the ‘The Verbal CV’ and ‘The Narcissist’ is comparable to having to make a choice between dying from extreme dehydration due to excess consumption of salt, or being stung to death by a million bees.
Personally, I’ll take the bees.
Unlike the verbal CV, the discomfort imposed by the narcissist is not drawn out. It comes in short, sharp and incredibly painful bursts. Mostly harmless, the narcissist possesses all the social exchange skills of a glass of wet sand.
Where normal and rational adults may exchange stories and experiences in turn as a from of connecting with each other, the narcissist is simply a non-stop out pouring of… benign. Mention that weird rash you have just above your pubic bone, and a skilled narcissist will find a way to convert your conversational offering into a segway about their latest project or a completely unrelated story that bears a little to much resemblance to a failed one man show.
Unfortunately for the unsuspecting attendee of any given arts event, both the verbal CV and the narcissist are completely indistinguishable to the naked eye. They walk amongst us, undetected until they’ve managed to lure us into their web of head-swollen mediocrity, where it is often too late to escape.
The best defense against these conversational criminals is a strong sense of ones own accomplishment that does not rely on the validation of others, a full glass of champagne, and a clove of garlic tucked in ones back pocket, just incase.
